Zuckerberg, begging for help, without legs, in the Metaverse
MENLO PARK, CA—Senior Manager Akash Soni, 25, discovered four weeks ago that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, 41, was mysteriously missing from the Meta Headquarters in Menlo Park, California.
Soni, an AR/VR engineer who oversees various functions of the Metaverse, attended a town hall meeting where Zuckerberg was scheduled to be the main speaker last Friday. Yet, Zuckerberg failed to appear, surprising the employees. Instead, the “top brass” of the company spoke on his behalf about earnings, the progress of the Metaverse with its goals to destroy humanity, and regaining the trust of shareholders after their latest debacle (there had been so many scandals that the employees weren’t sure which one they were referring to).
Soni, being naturally suspicious about Zuckerberg’s absence, returned to his desk after the town hall meeting, put on his VR headset, and entered the Metaverse to search for Zuckerberg.
Entering the Metaverse, Soni felt immediately lonely, depressed, and even suicidal, despite being surrounded by “people.” Eventually, after several hours of searching for Zuckerberg and questioning his own life choices, he found a legless Zuckberg, stuck in a half-created zoo in the Metaverse.
“What happened to you?” Soni asked Zuckerberg.
“Shit! Someone has finally found me!” he said, exasperated. “I lost my legs, wound up in this zoo—I didn’t even know one existed here—and couldn’t find my way back to reality!”
Confused by Zuckerberg’s remarks, Soni remarked, “You do know that you have a VR headset on your head right now and you can take it off and be back in reality, right?”
“That’s the thing, though. I’ve been in here so long, I’ve forgotten how to do the things I did in the normal world. I can’t even recall the last time I took a shit, especially after I lost my bottom half. And, damn, I think I need to either shit or I shit myself—I’m not sure which thing happened or didn’t happen.”
Puzzled, Soni asked, “Well, how do we get you out of here, if you’ve apparently forgotten how to get out of the ’verse?”
“You’ll need to find me in reality, but I’m honestly not sure where I am. How long have I been in here? I can’t gauge that anymore.”
Soni told a legless Zuckerberg that he’d been missing for a month.
“And no one noticed me fucking gone?” Zuckerberg asked incredulously. “Not my colleagues, not the shareholders, not even my own fucking wife noticed me away,” Zuckerberg said, crestfallen.
“Look, I don’t know about any of that . . . what’s important is that we get you out of here and back to reality!” Soni said.
Zuckerberg tried his best to explain to Soni where he was located in the real world. But Soni was unable to solve his whereabouts in reality. Zuckerberg remains missing in the Metaverse. He was last spotted, legless, by others at a virtual bar in the ‘verse.