Stephen Miller Sighted Searching For Wife in Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller was spotted searching for his wife, Katie Miller, on Tuesday afternoon after eating lunch at Tres Amigos Mexican restaurant just off Pennsylvania Avenue NW in downtown Washington, D.C. 

“I heard she was around here somewhere,” Miller said to a group of reporters taking photographs of him and asking him questions, while he peered into a large, green, rusty dumpster behind the Old Ebbitt Grill’s alley near 15th St NW and G St NW. 

Much like a flying vampire with stealthy wings, Miller quickly disappeared and presumably returned to the White House, but was later seen that evening near Cactus Cantina on Wisconsin Avenue NW in the Woodley Park area, wearing a large sombrero and drinking lime margaritas by himself. An hour later, after eating a chimichanga, queso dip, and a beef enchilada, Miller was behind the restaurant’s building, this time inside a brown dumpster, wearing a grey suit, mumbling to himself, surrounded by reporters and photographers again, saying, “Someone said she was here. Goddamnit! Where is she?”

When reporters told him she had recently been seen in Austin, Texas, with Elon Musk, Miller’s face turned redder than a hot tamale, and he screamed, “FAKE NEWS!”

After one photographer showed him a picture of Miller arm-in-arm with Musk, a broad smile across her face, Miller first gasped, then went into a rage. 

“That’s fake! That’s AI-generated! She’s somewhere in D.C. I know it!” Miller then added, “I’m going to send you to El Salvador, you look illegal!” 

Brushing off shreds of lettuce, rotten tomatoes, and brown lime rinds, Miller crawled out of the dumpster, ripping his suit in the process. 

“I’ll find her! I know I will!” He screamed at the small moon rising in the sky.

As the sunlight began to dim even further, reporters and photographers watched Miller transform into a tiny bat and fly away into the darkness as the streetlights came on.