People still believe that this image is real, so we’re running with it.
SOME BILLIONAIRE’S BULLSHIT COMPOUND—In an unusual meeting of the mega-powerful trio who are sucking all resources from the planet for their pet projects, instead of just sucking their own dicks, billionaire tech bros Mark Zuckerberg, 41, Elon Musk, 54, and Jeff Bezos, 61, got together to talk about tech and invited a handful of press to join them.
Sitting on Bauhaus furniture in a sleek meeting room with floor-to-ceiling windows on one side of the room and several 80-inch flat-screen televisions on the other side of it, Zuckerberg, Musk, and Bezos all sipped on mineral water with lemon. Specifically, they discussed their own involvement with AI and the Metaverse, a real circle jerk event.
“The Metaverse was a huge fuckup,” Zuckerberg admitted. “We invested $46 billion in developing it beginning in 2021, and by 2025, we’d lost around $70 billion. People didn’t even have fucking legs in it,” he said, laughing.
“Dude,” Musk said, sipping his water. “So, what? That’s nothing, plus we know all this tech stuff is bullshit anyway.”
“Isn’t that the fucking truth?” Bezos said with a smirk, lifting his glass to his lips, taking a sip, and placing the glass back down carefully on its marble coaster. “I mean, all three of us go on stages across the globe for these huge tech conferences, spew out bullshit stories about technology, but ultimately we know it’s fucking nonsense crap. I mean, I really know that, especially after reading Martin Heidegger’s The Question Concerning Technology. He convinced me of the threat of technology, how it has emerged in modernity, and how we’re all frankly a part of that sitting in this room.”
Zuckerberg and Musk nodded in agreement.
“You’ve read Heidegger as well, right?” Musk asked Zuckerberg.
“Well, yeah!”
“Loved his politics, too, man,” Musk said.
Zuckerberg remained quiet.
When asked what Musk meant by saying he loved his politics, Musk demurred and changed the subject. “I need some pot or ketamine to talk about that, dude,” Musk said, winking.
“Don’t you have a lot invested in the AI search engine Perplexity, Jeff?” Musk asked Bezos.
“Yes, but it’s an undisclosed amount,” Jeff replied, refusing to comment further when asked the amount he had invested.
“Well, I recently sunk $17 billion into xAI,” Musk said. “Isn’t that fucking awesome? The three of us are so fucking rich that we can just dump billions and billions and billions of dollars into shit that people think we believe in, but we know is just total bullshit now and in the long run?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty rad,” Zuckerberg replied. “And people are now worshipping this shit. Like, some people think they’re finding ‘God’ in AI chatbots,” he added with a laugh.
“Well, here’s the thing, it might be bullshit, but it isn’t just shit per se. It’s an entire fucking industry that’s pretty much bullshit, and it’s the livelihoods of millions of people, which I also think is fucking awesome,” Bezos noted. “Not only that, we launch phallic shit into space!”
“Oh, totally, dude. That’s probably one of the coolest parts of it being bullshit, because we get to determine the outcome of their fucking lives, well, and launch these things that look like dicks into space,” Musk said, snorting, while lighting up a blunt. Once he had inhaled a few times, he passed it over to Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg inhaled and began coughing violently.
“I’ll pass,” Bezos said when Zuckerberg offered him the doobie. “Yeah, it’s all bullshit. But the firings and mass layoffs are like a wet dream at times. I’d say, though, what probably makes me happiest are all the yachts I have. That’s part of what makes my new bride so delighted, too,” Bezos said with a chuckle.
“Dude, she is hot AF. She kinda looks like Melania, but with bigger tits,” Musk replied.
Bezos’ forehead tightened as much as it could under the weight of all the Botox injections it had received. “No, she doesn’t. Take that back.”
“Dude, it’s a compliment. Don’t get your panties in a wad,” Zuckerberg said between coughs and plumes of pot smoke surrounding him.
“Look, man, let’s get back on topic. We’re supposed to be talking about how tech is bullshit,” Musk muttered.
Before Musk realized it, Bezos had his hands around his neck and was violently shaking him. Zuckerberg dropped the doobie on the ground, which began to burn a hole in the cashmere-quality carpet, and the press was told to leave the meeting room.
No reports have been made regarding the status of Musk’s health, but medics were called to the scene 30 minutes after the press was told to exit the premises.